boiling inside and shivering outside.

i read my 12th comic book on the bed, then i remembered the peetees still incomplete, the concept map to be drawn out on my own.

then i saw the 2 books on the floor where i stacked my peetee handouts and rs file. i remind myself to return them on monday. i realised that you'll probably forget. so i smsed you.

then i went on to think of school, how the teachers had mercilessly piled handout after handout, worksheet after worksheet on our desks, giving them out like deforestation was no serious problem at all. how you betrayed me again and again, from the slightest things to the greatest things, and how i eventually learnt to look away and busy myself with other things or people whenever you did those things.

how you seem to overlook the fact that it's the holidays and i deserve a rest. and how i am letting myself down by postponing my mugging day after day until it's already the end of the holidays. how tiring it is to choose between your expectations, my expectations, and my future, or my youth, my mostly-gone-childhood and my happiness. how you don't understand that a certain extent of rudeness is a form of communication that works fine with her and me.

how you taunt at me even though i know you are not taunting. how i hate that i allow myself to continue wallowing in self-pity.

how we are really gone. how it hurts me that you seem to forget the promise, even though i know you're just too busy to remember and don't blame you.

how i hate the way you've become, the tone of your voice, the words you choose.

how much i hurt from the way things turn out among us.

how i am so lucky yet so sad at everything.

how ungrateful i am.

how i can never break the habit.

how the things i am proud of gradually crumble one by one until i'm left to pick up the pieces and miserably try to glue them together.

how it can only be a dream to enter your world, be part of your world.

i've wasted another half an hour on this. but i shall continue to waste my time away.

how i wish you would suddenly remember, pop me an email saying you read this entry and telling me to call on you so that you can console me, give me support.